Coming up from the depths of Hell

The title of this entry is probably the most accurate way to describe what my life has been like since August.

As I had said I found out that internally I had stomach parasites. What I did not realise was that emotionally I was spiraling out of control as well. It has been an interesting experience to see how everything correlates to each other. I CANNOT tell you how much I feel like my eyes have been opened to this fact.

I think that there is a very real, basic need that we all have when we are ill to want comfort. To want someone to care for us, to love us and make us feel secure. The problem is that this can cause some very unnatural dependencies in our relationships with our friends, family or people who frequent our day to day life.  The question that lies here is; How do you keep the balance? Where do you put your foot down, so to speak, to yourself and not allow boundaries to be over stepped?

I wish I could avail to you some wise words of wisdom. Well, I probably could, but truthfully, I won't. Not because I don't think that you, as in the person reading this blog, wouldn't take said advice; I won't because I do not walk in the ways of my own discerning. I allow myself to walk past what I know to be doing. I am weak to put my own foot down to prevent people I care about from getting hurt during the self indulgence of my flesh.

The heart truly is a deceitful place. It is a place where one can be easily fooled and deceived. A place where, when we exposed longings and desires that we hold in it, the heart then quickly tries to find ways to fulfill what has been shared. It allows things that should not be awake to waken. The worst part is that when those things begin to stir, the fight against them to shut down and stop them from dictating our every action is a battle that can cause us to grow weary. It is often in the place of weariness that we then fall prey to vices that, under normal circumstances, would never grab or captivate our attention.

I write this from a place of having been there and done that.

I can say that while I walk alongside God it has been easier and quicker to "recover" from the overly vulnerable place of longing. That He is gracious beyond anything I ever could deserve, and more loving than anyone else I will ever meet. He comes in and meets EVERY single need that gets stirred before it was meant to. He comes in and pours His healing oil over the places of hurt, confusion and disillusionment. He calls out to me in the moments of loneliness to remind me that he is there.

He becomes the one that I learn to listen for when I see the people that grace my path everyday and week. He is the one that teaches me what the balance is in my relationships. He is the one who helps to restore health to me. He is the one that I cannot actually live my day to day without leaning into. My safe place where I can be as intense as he created me to be and not worry that it is too much for someone, or that another being will try to "take on" my worries.

I wish I could pointedly say the levels of remorse I have to the people I have hurt by not being balanced; by not sticking with gut feelings in moments and thinking that I could handle it all in my own understanding.

Unfortunately, I do not get that chance. Whether it is needed or not is a moot point. It would not change the fact that damage has been done. That relationships have suffered. That wounds are real.

No, the truth is, to pursue any of those people would only actually make the healing process harder, more drawn out and possibly painful.  It wouldn't allow for a separation, it would continue to bring confusion around the issue at hand.

I know that it could seem hard to continue on with your daily life with such an incident happening, but the truth is time and space really do help. They allow for perspective to come in where it could have been muddled. That my friends, if it is okay to call you that, is the most precious gift that is granted to us. If we can be brave enough to really look at ourselves during times like this and let our hearts be soft to the correction and change that most likely need to occur, we grow and come out ahead on the tail end of all.

I know that this could be received as straying from what my blog normally is, but I do believe that health is not something that is just physical.

Much love,

Rebecca